Coming To An End Thoughts

A lot of shit has been going on.

This post will most likely be a blatant rant rather than any sort of help for my lovely readers – but sometimes you just need to get some stuff off your chest. There you go, that’s my advice for this post!

I’m graduating in 9 days. 9 short days. And I hardly know what to do.

Before this week I felt like I was in a good place. I had some friends to rely on, an apartment to look forward to, I picked up my cap and gown (I even got an honors cord!), Senior Survey was a success. Good things!

Slowly but surely this week has shit all over me.

Let’s go in order of least poop to most poop shall we?

1. I’m an alternate for the big end of year show.

Now this isn’t total crap… This is actually a good thing. I think something along the lines of 67 people got on the list. That includes alternates. So honestly I’m pretty happy about that. Downside: I have to prepare for everything as if I’m in and I have no idea if I’m actually in or not. Its added stress I don’t know if I need.

2. I’m going home after graduation.

The search for an apartment is over for me. My parents and I have decided that I need a break and I’ll figure everything out. I’m not exactly thrilled about it but I’m not exactly disappointed. And that’s hard to wrap my head around.

Why my search is over will be explained in bullet number 3. So let’s discuss the pros and cons of not staying in NYC after grad.

I really can’t wait to see my mommy and daddy and my bunny. That is probably the only pro in this situation. But in my mind that is a huge pro. The con list is much larger…

Commuting to my internship is going to be fantastic. If you haven’t taken NJ Transit before, consider yourself lucky. There is an entire Twitter page committed to making fun of it. It’s terrible. So the idea of riding on the train for over an hour at the beginning and end of my day is obviously the least appealing thing I can think of. Not to mention it is going to cost a ton of money.

When it comes to terms of friendships and what I’ll actually being doing at home, probably nothing. I pretty much have no friends at home. I’ll most likely be sitting on my couch getting fat and playing Destiny the whole time while I pray for a real job.

It’s going to be so lonely.

Basically not the most ideal situation.

3. I’ve lost my friends.

Before you ask, yes this does have something to do with point number 2.

So some of my friends and myself have been planning on getting an apartment together for quite some time now. And hey, we thought we found the one! But due to fees and such our perfect apartment wasn’t going to happen on my end.

So the normal thing to do would be to move on and find another. Guess what? They decided to continue with the apartment and leave me behind. And you know what else? That is some real bullshit. I even found another apartment that was relatively the same price and in the same neighborhood. But nope.

How can I not be hurt or disappointed by this? How can I not feel like our friendship is worthless?

And they don’t even realize what they’re done. All my plans have evaporated. My fun summer in NYC is gone. My easy job search is gone. My slow accent into adulthood is gone.

And the people who did this to me are supposed to be my friends.

And for the record: if you have to say “I don’t want this to ruin our friendship,” you know its going to.

To be completely honest I’m pretty heartbroken.

This is nothing I expected to happen at the end of my senior year. This is supposed to be the fun time! Waiting for graduation…

Instead I’m sleeping the day away, ordering enough takeout for three people, and crying constantly.

This is not how I imagined the end of my senior year.

I Profess to Knowing

One of the biggest choices in propelling your success through college is not choosing your major. It’s not choosing your university. It’s not choosing your class schedule. Your success is completely dependent on choosing the right professors.

Depending on the type of college you go to, you may have little to no options in professors. Or you may have so many options you have no idea where to start.

Most people start with RateMyProfessors.com.

Typical rating system for RateMyProfessor.

So the above image is a rating for a teacher I had this semester. Let’s go over where this is correct and incorrect.

1. Hotness – CORRECT. There was no flaming chili pepper there.
2. Average Grade – INCORRECT. I’m not lying or bragging when I say I produced some great work in that class. She gave me a B. She also didn’t know my name so I have no idea how I even acquired that grade.
3. Helpfulness – TIE. I can agree with this but honestly, I would have put a zero. She never answered emails and only gave opinions, not helpful comments.
4. Clarity – TIE. If this is about the projects then sure, yes, clear as a whistle. But her accent is UNBEARABLE.
5. Easiness – INCORRECT. This class was cake. As a senior, I felt like I was taking a sophomore level class.

Granted, these are all my opinions. But I am trying to remain unbiased for you guys.

There is also a section to write reviews. And this one in particular, is totally from my class.

This is a good place to start but do not rely on these reviews.

I’ve read reviews of teachers from my school and they’re said teachers are hot and they are definitely not… They are not the most reliable sources – this is the internet after all. I’m sure people have used it as a joke.

A lot of students make the mistake of completely depending on the internet for reviews on schools and teachers. But the best advice I can give you is visit schools you are interested in! Talk to upperclassmen! We’re not scary I promise!

Recently (because it is the end of the year), I was speaking to an underclassman/friend who was super excited for one of his scheduled teachers for his upcoming senior year.

This same teacher’s reviews are listed above.

So basically I told him to run. Run as fast as he can. Away from that class. Yes, this is my opinion. But who knows you better than your friends? And you shouldn’t let your friends go down bad paths.

Some schools have great advisors willing to help you pick your teachers. Ask your advisors. Ask your past teachers. Ask your friends.

School is extremely important and the only way you can be successful is by having the right teachers for YOU. So remember that a great teacher for your friend, may not be a great teacher for you.

Also be aware that a really great description of a class can be ruined by a teacher you may not mesh with.

My junior year I completely relied on another student’s opinions to create my schedule. That was the most difficult semester I’ve ever had…

You really just need to govern yourself when deciding these things. There is no exact equation I can give you to be a successful student and make the right decisions. I mean if you want to contact me and ask for help, sure I’d love to help! But I cannot give you a step by step guide useable for ever situation.

All schools are different. They hire different professors. And you are the most unique part of this!

As I approach my graduation (Tomorrow!!!), I wish you all the best in planning for your next semester!

An Open Letter to My Freshman Self

Dear Younger Self,

Isn’t it funny that you survived over a decade of public school and thought you had figured everything out? Then you find out that you don’t know how to do your laundry and find absolutely joy in cleaning or feeding yourself. You have your great group of friends that you could never separate from and that terrible relationship you desperately tried to hold on to. You were beyond optimistic and having so much fun in your drawing and painting classes.

There are some things that I wish I could have warned you about, former me. Because shit is going to change.

Freshman Year

Freshman year won’t be what you expected, my dear. But it won’t be bad.

You’re going to love your classes! You’re actually going to feel like you made the right choice in schools and majors.

Your dorm will be pretty awesome minus a few roommate problems. But hey, that’s what happens when you try to live with strangers.

You’re going to make so many friends! Some will last till your Senior year and some will slowly dwindle.

The “Freshman Fifteen” is so real… You’re going to gain a little weight (Okay, more than a little). You can probably thank the buffet style dining hall for that. Also, half the time the food is not so fantastic. They put peppers in everything. Avoid like the plague.

The party scene is pretty lame and a little scary. Also, avoid like the plague.

You will miss your parents.

Sophomore Year

The rooming situation is so much better! You got to pick your roommates! But still be wary of the cafeteria! More pounds are coming your way!

You’re not going to love all your teachers, but you will love your major! You will realize you are doing exactly what you want to be doing. You may have even figured out what you want to do with your life.

This year will go by so much quicker than Freshman year! It feels easier!

You will throughly enjoy this year with your friends!

You will feel accomplished and like you can take Junior year by the balls!

Your parents will miss you back.

Junior Year

You didn’t figure out what you want to do with your life…

Junior year is going to kick your ass so hard.

You will get some teachers who don’t agree with you (or are just complete assholes). It happens. Take it with a grain of salt. Especially since you will meet that one teacher who will guide you for the rest of your college career.

You will have a breakdown or two (or more actually). Try not to question yourself so much. You are doing just fine!

Your friends back home are pretty much not around anymore. But you have some great friends at school! Don’t let it get you down!

Your relationship with your parents is amazing… You should be ashamed of high school you. Love them!

This year went by even quicker than the last!

Sincerely, Future

Senior Year

You won’t believe how quickly things have happened. It’s going to feel like you just went to prom last week. The fact that you’re going to be in a cap and gown again feels too quick.

This will be the easiest and hardest year.

All the homework you’ll be doing won’t feel like work. You’re doing what you love. But there is going to be so much of it!

Congrats on your internship! You deserve it! You bust your ass and you love it. Try not to worry too much about getting a real job. Opportunities will find you.

Try not to think of it all coming to an end. Don’t let it worry you. It’s not an end – it’s a beginning.

Looking for an apartment is so much fun! But you’re going to learn the hard way to “trust no bitch”.

But the best thing is knowing your parents were there for you and have had your back through this whole experience and will continue to support you in all that you do.

Love, 22 year old you.

**To my readers:**

This is a letter to myself.

This was my experience. This is not a guarantee. You may have a better experience or a worse one! Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings!

But one thing I can tell you is true is that your first two years of school is a breeze compared to the last two. And you may want to transfer or change your major. And things may happen at different times for you.

Shit I Learned

1. Have a thick skin! Not everyone’s opinions of you matter. Especially if you go to art school.

2. Naps are amazing. You are going to nap more than a newborn. Sleep is so important.

3. If you’re not losing friends, you’re not growing up. People grow up and apart. You’ll make new friends and the good ones stick around.

4. Parents are great. Once you get over that high school angst you have towards them, you’ll realize that they are your biggest fans and you need them.

5. There’s no shame asking for help. You’re not an adult yet. You’re a child trying to do adult things.

Sincerely, Future Self

The College Disability

It’s been a little while since I talked about something personal, right? So let’s talk about what it’s like dealing with serious medical problems while at college.

My daily routine. Last thing I see when I go to sleep and first thing I see in the morning.

I’m sure by now my self-deprecating and sarcastic attitude has pretty much shown in a ton in previous posts. I think some of that may come from dealing with my medical issues. But hey, I wouldn’t be who I am without these problems I’ve had most of my life. So I just want to preface this with a request to not take me too seriously or perceive anything I say wrong…

I’m one of those “lucky” people who has a couple of diseases. Nothing too serious. Nothing life threatening. But it definitely affects my ability to handle school sometimes.

I have joked about my daily happy pills in past posts. So yes, I am on happy pills – Lexapro to be exact. After my first year of college, I had a really hard time adapting to being home for summer break. I was crying constantly and had no idea why. So I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

My happy pills work wonders but sometimes the stress of school can overcome the power of the pill (I’ve actually had to up my dosage over the years). And I am definitely not the only one who has this issue.

My school has a Health and Wellness center on the first floor of my dorm. They offer counseling and mild medical help for anxiety and depression. Across the hall is the Time Management Workshop room for help with handling your schedule. I’ve never had to use it, but I have friends who have and it has greatly helped them. If it’s bad enough they will even speak to your teachers for you.

When I first realized there was something wrong I did reach out to a teacher, though. She was my Psych teacher.

I’ll never forget this day… In class we were talking about depression and she casually asked if anyone suffered from it. I bravely was the only one to raise my hand. It quickly turned into a one on one conversation about coping with the new diagnosis.

The best thing she said and I still remind myself every day : “The pills don’t change you. They bring out the best part of you.”

So if you do or find out you’re having trouble managing you emotions after a semester of school, I don’t want you to worry.

The biggest thing I’ve learned in college is that there is no such thing as “don’t stress”. This applies to us people with a mild imbalance in our brains and the normal college student: instead of ignoring your stress, accept it and learn how to handle it. 

So that is my mental disability… I also have a physical disability.

I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis at a very young age. It has definitely taken its toll on my body. My joint in my ankle is almost completely destroyed.

The peony I got tattooed on my ankle to promote health.

Living in NYC, you walk everywhere. Which for me is a daunting task. Sometimes being late is an option I just have to accept when walking to class. Especially last year when I had to go up four flights of stairs directly after one of my studio classes. Being on your feet for three hours and then running up four flights of stairs is not very fun for my knees and ankle.

I have some amazing friends willing to roam the city with my frail legs.

But going to school I knew I had to mention my disability to someone. As much as it sucks… sometimes you need special treatment.

When signing up for dorm rooms every year, I had to talk to the one in charge of the whole thing to make sure I got put on the lowest floor possible. And to my surprise they were more than willing to accommodate me.

In high school it was expected that they would have to help me. It’s a public school – I have to go there. But they required a doctor’s note when I needed an extra set of books (One set to keep at home and one set to use at school so I didn’t have to carry them back and forth.) to keep the weight off of my failing joints or was having a bad day and couldn’t participate in gym class.

I got to college and they took my word for it. I always offer some sort of proof when asking for the accommodations but they never needed them.

It honestly felt like a type of acceptance. An absence of judgement.

Living with disabilities is almost easier in college than it ever was in the many years before.

Maybe this is because of the new found acceptance of the generation. Especially with depression, there is a generational normality. Or maybe the mental illness industry is medicalizing normality much like this article explains.

So if you’re worried about whatever problem you may have and don’t want to speak up, follow these tips:

1. There are resources to help you if you need them. You may feel embarrassed about it but there’s no reason to be. Take care of yourself.

2. College is about acceptance. It doesn’t matter what your disability is. College is such an open forum that lets people be who they are and express themselves.

3. You don’t have to be ashamed of your disabilities. There are more people like you than you think. If you need to take a break or ask for help then you should. People will understand.

4. Be yourself. Don’t try to hide your problems no matter what they are. Sharing can be such a relief and you may find someone to relate to.

5. You are not your disability. You are your personality and how you carry yourself. Don’t let your disability define you.

College vs. Friends

This post can be found published on a website for college students called Admitopia. Check it out here!

If time travel were possible, we could take a trip back to the year 2011 to my senior year of high school. I had a great group of some really amazing friends. Every Friday we would see a movie or go get some food or whatever our little teenaged hearts desired. Limited to of course what cool high school aged humans could do with limited funds and when our parents would let us borrow a car.

Now, this wasn’t very long ago. But a lot has changed in the four years I have been in college. Including my friends. Everyone knows that when you go to college, it’s very out with the old and in with the new! But no one tells you the same will happen with your friendships…

I would guess that I am still close with maybe a handful of the people I thought I would always be friends with. You know, the people you see standing next to you at your imaginary wedding. And to me that is quite terrifying. By definition, a friend is supposed to be “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.”

one of the friends i have kept since high school

So how have the ties that once seemed made of steel be so easily severed? Where did those feelings of affection run off to?

Unfortunately, it was as simple as going away to school that made some of my friends disappear. Okay, they didn’t disappear, they just became less available. As I’m sure I’m guilty of as well.

My first two years of college were spent in upstate New York, about five hours from my hometown in New Jersey. So distance obviously severed some friendships simply due to a lack of visibility and existence in each other’s lives. Skype calls began to slowly cease and only one time did friends visit my campus. Not being around meant out of sight, out of mind.

my roommates from upstate that are my roommates still

The more severe reason I lost relationships was due to new found freedom. Now, I am proud to say I never was very much into the party scene that the dorms of college life pretty much forced down your throat. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends did succumb to the thrills of sex, drugs, and alcohol. Because their lifestyle choices were not even close to the decisions I was making in school, I lost interest in them. So I guess I can take the blame for the loss of those friendships. But as someone who believes you go to school to gain an education and not learn how many shots it takes for you to get sick… I just lost interest in the stories some of my friends would tell me when we found time to hangout during breaks.

But the worst part was being told I was boring and should make time for parties.

Another problem that occurred with my old friendships was dating. Suddenly, someone told all of my friends at the same time to get into serious relationships. Apparently Cupid skipped me and made me the third wheel with all my friends. So I stopped getting included in things. It has even gotten to the point where my couple friends will go to New York City, where I now live and go to school, and won’t even mention being in the area.

But I don’t regret losing all these friendships. Which is the scariest surprise of all.

Out with the old and in with the new… I have gained strong, loving friendships over the last four years. Some, much like my high school friendships, have already faded away. But others I could never live without. Yes, I know I said the same thing is high school. But this is so different. It’s hard to explain how different it actually is unless you have lived it.

Whether you want to believe it or not, you figure out who you are in college. You are not Peter Pan – you grow up. You find out what’s important to you and how you want to spend the rest of your life. And most importantly, you find out the kind of people you need in your life and you surround yourself with them. And if you’re like me, you’ll weed out the ones holding you back.

some friends are worth traveling to visit too

Now, as I prepare for graduation, I am apartment hunting in NYC with some of my closest friends. One I have roomed with since sophomore year and she makes sure I’m taken care of and that I’m doing my work. Another I can always count on for a serious, understanding talk on pretty much any topic. And lastly, my friend that always makes sure I take breaks from the real world and keeps me sane. I have learned that these are the type of people I value and need in my life. They contain some traits that my high school friends could not possess if it came in pill form.

So whether it be different interests or distance or whatever lies in between, if and when you start to lose touch with people, I hope you understand it’s not all bad. What I want you to take from my experience is that, yes, losing your friends completely sucks. But in the unknown world of college life, new friendships await. And they could be just what you need.